Ranting

2010 was indeed the toughest year for me in terms of studying. Having discovered that I had passed my three subjects attempted at exams (of which I studied on my own), the next progression was to move on to subjects that I was avoiding initially until my final year. Final Year consists of two projects, two half units and two full units. Easier said than done. The project content is ginormous. Seems London wants us to submit a book, since when I viewed past projects from our school’s library, the volume of detailed content and work that is expected is clearly a significant task that I can’t afford to take lightly.

I just can’t seem to find the time for adequate study. From the time I get home, till the time my kids get to bed, and I get ready to settle down to do work, I’m either doddering or my brain is too tired to absorb anything substantial. I thought I would have been given the opportunity to finish what I started before any moves to embark on his education would commence but he has decided to do a film course for a year, of which classes are four days for the week from evening to night, which means that I have to manage kids alone until they fall asleep, which means that my studies have to begin later and limits the amt of study time per night.

I really don’t mind him studying what captures his interest but it’s just the timing is off for me.  It’s selfish I know to even write it, but I guess he felt he couldn’t miss this opportunity, since it’s a traveling film company, and I understand. My issue is that this was never discussed with me or my opinion was never requested. It was just done regardless if I approved or not. I’m in my final year but it seems the tunnel is long, winding and never ending. It is taking me longer than expected to finish my degree but given the next to nothing support from my spouse in terms of taking up the slack with the household duties and kids, it seems Goliath is conquering David.

It has been tough, since my daughter is now 21 months and demands all my attention. As soon as I reach home from work is “mummy!mummy!” and the little arms goes flailing in the air, indicating a pick me up motion. My son I know feels neglected, but what can I do?  I tried waiting until she goes to bed at around 9pm, to be able then to go through my son’s homework, but this has proved to be difficult because by that time, I’m either too tired, or my son is too weary to go through school work or study. Needless to say, his grades are a reflection of my neglect. I really thought that at this stage, he would be a little more independent at his school work and be able to know what should be done and do it. I feel like a failure because of this.

To be honest, my son would be a more receptive child to most things if he had the emotional support from his surrogate dad. Imagine he would prefer to go by his biological father and do nothing all day, instead of staying at home where he feels emotionally unsafe. It breaks my heart to know that the person that I love and married, at first appeared to have accepted my son as his own,  seems now to  prefer if he’s not around.   I can’t ever come to terms with the manner in which my husband speaks aggressively to my son, always barking, shouting and sometimes cursing at a thirteen year old, who never asked to come into this world or to be placed within this family. I have always and continue to believe that children are gifts from God that have been been entrusted to us the parents, until such time as the fledgling can leave the nest, but then again your children will forever be your babies, no matter the age, and should be treated with as much love and care as one could possible conjure.  I know that I can talk about this topic till I’m blue, it would make no difference to the aggressor. I tend to be extra lenient when it comes to my son because of the emotional abuse he is suffering, I sometimes try to cave when he requests something because I want him to feel loved and know that he’s loved, at least by me. He is a superb father to our daughter although sometimes he tries a little too hard to force her to be affectionate with him. I feel he’s sometimes jealous that our daughter wants me, instead of him, but that’s how kids are; sometimes mummy, sometimes daddy.

A lot of misconceptions I discovered I had about marriage this year, one of which is that my spouse will change or wants to improve.  This has been difficult for me to accept since I pledged to this individual to spend the rest of my life with him. I would seriously hate to think that he is still with me after 3 years of marriage because of the kids.  If I had half the knowledge he possesses,  I would be a millionaire by now! yet maybe it’s cowardice or I guess fear of being responsible for other individuals and not living up to expectations is what could be the hindrance and the key to the erratic behaviour, but (according to his family)  I was so blinded by love, I couldn’t see the true person, I was marrying. Honestly I didn’t think marriage would have been this difficult, given the fact that I’ve known this person 10+ years, 5 of which we were engaged. You would think that I would have discovered all I needed to know about this individual before I committed myself to such a long term relationship, but I guess I ignored the subtle signs of aggression that are there and did not heed my mother’s warnings of them. I honestly think the individual is bipolar. One minute can be the most amorous, charming, coherent and pleasant person to be around and in an instant, can be the most vile, foul mouthed, road rage hog and beast that I’ve ever met. Just like flipping on a switch.

Originally I thought that I married a chatterbox (which I would have liked) since initially we could have talked for hours on end about crap and it wouldn’t have mattered. Now I always have to say all the politically correct things, otherwise is belittling and oral whipping. Now I’m considered an idiot, who knows nothing about anything and should stay quiet and not voice an opinion, especially if it’s not accurate. No toleration whatsoever for dumb ass people like me , since my role as wife is apparently to wash all the clothes, pick them up and pack them away, clean the house, cook the meals, work to take care of my self, fill my intimate wifely duties and pick up after everyone in the house, whereas his role is to work on occasion, be surfing the internet all day long and if  attention is demanded, would give a little to daughter and wife. We don’t even talk anymore aside from platonic pleasantries, never able to plan our year, never sit and budget for anything, heck I don’t even know his financial status. I have to be doing a lot of guesswork and assumptions. I could never express my true feelings if I’m hurting for whatever reason, he would never know because most of the time if things are mentioned, it is met with the  “it already happen, can’t change now” monologue. No sympathy or empathy.

Sometimes I admit, important things are mentioned or interjected into conversations where I know I wouldn’t be able to remember because it was not in my vane of thought at the time and I’m expected to remember without followup reminders. Of course this is not tolerated and actions are carried out which make it seem as though it was deliberately planned that way. Of course if I object to someone just taking off without proper notice, I would then be reminded that it was mentioned before and it’s my hard luck if I didn’t remember to note it.

It seems unfair to me to have to juggle so many things and not be respected by my own husband as being on the same level playing field. I really don’t have that much time on my hands to be on the internet, filling my head with porn and stalking other people’s profiles or even trying to “network” for supposed opportunities as he does, I especially hate when he posts blogs on his page with subtle hints about our troubling marriage without laying out the situation and paints me black without even calling my name however people can guess it’s me he’s referring to between the lines and try to empathize with him. If they only knew the real truth, they would empathize with me instead! What hurts even more is when he can talk to other people about me, without actually talking to me. I would like to think that I’m receptive to any opinion and easy to talk to. True talk  no lie, ‘see me and come live with me’ is a whole different ballgame.

Since I was little, I always wanted to be married, like everyone else, dreamed of the perfect wedding, being with an individual who compliments me, who we can do nothing together and it would still be something, who would make me laugh for the rest of my life and make me only shed tears of joy. How morbid was that dream huh! (nah not really, it can still happen!) I know that publishing this might have repercussions but this is my outlet for venting, even though its on a public forum. I’m not a hypocrite to pretend that things are peachy just for appearances. My hurt is real, my spirit is broken and since psychiatrists are so damn expensive, let me splash, before I explode.

I still believe in romance and everything that goes with it. I still believe that there is good in people, and even though people are corrupted by warped life experiences that alter their outlook on things that they once hold sacred, the really courageous and good ones find their way back home to that place of sanctum. I still believe that if you treat people with love and respect, it will be returned. That’s not asking too much is it?

Why can’t we all just get along

It’s been a while since I’ve last posted an entry, but to be quite honest, I’ve been rather busy. It’s been a hectic for me to juggle work, marriage, kids; one a teenager, the other a toddler and yet studying to achieve my Bsc. Degree.

That brings me to the topic I wanted to blog about and it primarily focuses on women’s relations to each other and with men. I’m not ashamed to say it: working among an office of women is a recipe for disaster, lacarey, crab in a barrel syndrome, tension and all sorts of commess.Women on the whole are their worst enemy.

I for one, when it comes to my job, I’m a very fierce, no nonsense, get it right the first time around kinda gal, which doesn’t make me popular at all. I really don’t care about that because at the end of the day, it’s not my co-workers who are paying my salary and they are not the ones to please. I try as best to be cordial but not get too personal because, at the first sign of weakness, they(women) all up in your business. As in all offices, you will always find women among the genuinely good ones; those who are ass kissers, informants, religious fanatics, freaks, weirdos, hyper-active work horses, running down brands types & procrastinators.

I interact with them all on a regular basis, however as far as I’m concerned, I keep to myself, not being a part of a clique or to be labeled any of the above, however I’m baffled as to why women continually beat down on each other. I guess it’s because we are competing for and among men,  creating opportunities for ourselves, and trying to stay afloat. I’m seriously possessive of my loved ones and I will defend them even if it comes to blows. I’ve learn’t from my past to be very weary of women since the ones that I’ve met have not been genuine and forthrite. I can tell by intuition the type of woman I’m dealing with  by her speech or actions and trust me on this: women can be very deceptive. I’ve had a few look me in the eye and lie about situations that I felt warranted a discussion to clear the air, only to then realise that they were bullshitting me or turned around and did exactly what they said they wouldn’t do! I guess they were telling me what I wanted to hear.

We are complex animals and no wonder men can’t figure us out. We can’t figure us out!  but why is it that women can’t be loyal to each other? why can’t we all just get along? Men would cover for each other to the end but not women. I’ve kept secrets that could potentially destroy some relationships but I will never reveal these, even though some of these friends are no longer my friends, that is how I am. You would never hear something that was confided in me being spoken by another but I’ve not been as fortunate.

I have realised that I would quicker trust a man than a woman since there are some seriously terse women out there!  Some women need to realise what time it is and respect boundaries. My husband is just that. MY HUSBAND! I for one would not invite myself to go alone with any man (who isn’t my husband) anywhere period, whether I’m friends with the wife or not and I expect the same. Women who play “damsel in distress” really disgust me.  Women who are pushy, disgust me. Women who misinterpret kindness and politeness as an invitation of  “personal interest” disgust me. People would say that I need to work on my trust issues but believe me it’s a effin war zone out there. I know all too well that men think with the small head rather than the big head and women use this knowledge to their advantage.  I’ve always believed in “Do unto others…” and believe me payback can be a bitch.

Oh My Papa!

Father’s Day has never had any significant meaning to me until I started having kids. This day would pass by and I would say to myself that it’s one gift less that I have to buy! My mother raised three kids practically on her own, so she was both mother and father and though I could never repay her for all she has done for me and the tough love she showed me, there continues to be this void in my life. I realise now from my own perspective, that children really do need that significant  person to help mould their young  minds beyond the capacities of a mother (depending if the father is a good role model). There are many bad fathers out there, but there are many good ones as well. In Trinidad and Tobago on average, about 14.4% of all households are single parents struggling because their children’s good for nothing fathers bailed, leaving them with a life long burden.

I know that in our globalised society and with women’s liberation, many females feel that they are quite capable to raise kids on their own and do not need a man’s  help. (kudos to those that do!).This may be true in some cases, but the child raised in such a situation would have lost the benefits of being reared to be a balanced individual. Many of the decisions and choices I’ve made in the past, could have be swayed in a different direction, if I had the guidance of my father. I wished that I could have had my father carry me to my graduation or walk me down the aisle when I got married or see his grand children blossom…

I wouldn’t want my kids to feel the way I still feel, so that is why I always try to treasure their father. Thank you to Ms Sonora Dodd who felt the need to acknowledge her father’s contribution to her life and by extension allowed the commemoration to thank the person who is often overlooked by many.

Happy Father’s Day to all fathers out there!

24/10/09

It was brought to my attention today by my mother, that the man that I briefly knew as my father had passed way yesterday to lung cancer. My condolences to his family and friends…

Colombia: Country in Cocaine Crisis

Alex James

I saw a BBC News Programme last Tuesday night, which literally was an eye opener for me, to say the least and made me more aware of Colombia’s cocaine crisis which is ruling and ruining that country. Not that I was not aware that Colombia was the world’s biggest producer of Cocaine and Marijuana, I was just ignorant to the actual statistics. I remembered many years ago hearing the name Pablo Escobar, seeing the far reaches of his control and saw a documentary recently on the History Channel, which chronicled his life and death which horrified me.

The BBC presented the film “The Cocaine Diaries-Alex James”. Alex James being a bassist for the British Pop band Blur.

He admitted in his autobiography that he had in a “previous lifetime” with the band , snorted one million pounds (currency) in cocaine and champagne. He was invited by the Colombian government to visit the country and observe the devastation his single action and persons like him, had on the industry and hoped to make celebrities like Alex and common folk who abuse the drug to get an in- dept view of  what their consumption is fueling, that is… financing terrorism, landmines,damaging the environment, importation of arms and ammunition,kidnapping and murder. It was hoped that if the world actually saw what was happening in that country, through the eyes of someone they could relate to, then they would believe it and somehow initiate a positive change so desperately needed by that country.

“If I say it, they won’t believe me. If you say it, because of what you saw, they’ll believe you a lot more.”

Colombian Vice-President Francisco Santos Calderon.

Alex, a former cocaine addict, now farmer and cheese maker, was courageous enough to risk his life and camera crew to gain this insight and should be applauded for that. The man has cojones that for sure!.It couldn’t have been easy, being a former user in the land of temptation to keep on the straight and narrow.He presented in my view a balanced report, of both the efforts of the Colombian government to eradicate this crisis… to a contract killer (deceased), mule and traffickers who form a chain in this vicious industry, hell bent on continuing it.

He was allowed to accompany the military on their rounds to destroy coca fields, as well interview a actual farmer growing the crops, to an actual lab where the leaves were processed into pasta basica.I was astonished to see  the initial processing of the coca leaves to make pasta basica i.e. spreading cement over the leaves, combining this with petrol and adding sulphuric acid to melt the leaves to form the paste. If nothing else, just the thought of this process would change my mind if I were a cocaine user to stop!

I read an article in the Guardian UK, where the writer criticised Mr.James in a most distasteful, frivolous way…she clearly among others who commented on her article, couldn’t see the bigger picture, which is to expose the cocaine industry for what it is and to acknowledge that the Colombian Government was not responsible or supportive of the trade. Alex James was merely the medium used and the film was not solely about him. The Colombia drug trade is affecting the world, including a small country such as Trinidad and Tobago.We are used as a trans-shipment point as well as a final destination point and is fueling violence and criminal activities in this country, since there is vast financial benefits to the parties involved, which seemingly outweighs the risks. Our Government has clearly lost the battle against crime, guns, drugs, kidnapping, murder, gang related activities you name it…we cannot seem curb this epidemic admittedly…

Check out Alex James’ film:

T&T vs Mexico

Our opportunites to gain entry to the World Cup South Africa 2010 seems to be dwindling with a lost match yesterday. Our boys put up a good fight despite the external pressures to win and internal pressure of  playing 8000 ft above sea level at Estadio Azteca Mexico City.

Immediately at kick off Mexico scored on us 1-0 by forward Guillermo Franco and set the pace for the game. The Soca Warriors realised that they had some catching up to do. Our chances appeared promising when just at half time, a young player named Hayden Tinto scored one for the team. We equalized much to the frenzy of the few Trini fans in the stadium and the agony of the Mexicans! Unfortunately this joy was short lived, as Mexico again scored on us in the 3rd minute  of the second half by defender Oscar Rojas.

The Warriors needed to keep up the pace and put pressure on the Mexicans by continually attacking  their goal post, while defending ours, but this was easier said than done. The match ended with a score of 2-1 in favour of Mexico.  Never say die till you dead…our National Team will therefore have to muster enough marrow to at least win each upcoming game, if we are to have any hope of  moving forward. All eyes will be on the little magician Russell Latapy to see what plans are in store for the next round. Until then, I’m a Soca Warrior…

Please see commentary by Goal.com previewing the T&T vs Mexico game and our current standing as posted by C News

Check out this footage of  the T&T equalizer goal scored by Hayden Tinto:

$hel $hok…R.I.P

I too, met Sheldon Benjamin aka $hel $hok in 1993 at my first job in a small music store. This store would produce and sell mixed tapes on TDK D60′s and SA 60′s of various genres of music from Dance Hall to Hip Hop you name it. The resident dee jay would be challenged each month to come up with an exciting intro and mix down and customers eagerly anticipated the next installment of music. I was soon told that $hel $hok was one such dee jay and was brilliant at using a “four track machine“  using sample pieces of music to create a compact intro to the start and “drops” throughout the tape. He worked there before my time, but was one of the first persons who helped that store establish itself as a leading source of retail music. He left to pursue his dreams of producing records  and beats.

He came in one day and if you knew the guy, you’d know that he was tall, so he had to bend to get through the door frame.  He immediately struck me as a chip on the shoulder, larger than life kinda guy, always sporting a new “ride” but was actually friendly and funny. I was playing some records for some customers at the time and he was bobbing his shiny bald head. You could see from his expression that the gears in his head was already churning probably getting some ideas of his own. He would talk about the Caribbean Sound Basin owned by Robert Amar and that he was working with the Kiskidee Karavan.

I didn’t see him much after that time, but I knew of this work and his talent spoke volumes to many he worked closely with. All these years passed by and I never was aware that he was battling the dreaded cancer until I read about it a blog posted by bandwagonist, and saw the commercials about the LifeLine Concert.  I was in even more shock when my husband came yesterday and told me that he died around 3pm. My jaw dropped…gone to soon…

My condolences to his family and friends.

Here’s two of my favourite Artistes from the Kiskidee Karavan produced by Sheldon Benjamin.

French Toast

Here’s a recipe that’s dear to my heart and enjoyed by my family, so I hope you will enjoy it too. I love making this either on Saturday or Sunday mornings, It’s quick and so easy to make..French Toast!

You can use commercially prepared bread or homemade bread to your preference, but if you are using homemade bread, be sure to slice thinly, otherwise the insides would be soggy!

Ingredients:

10 Slices Bread

1 Tsp Ground Cinnamon

1/4 Tsp Grated Nutmeg

2 Tbsp Sugar

4 Tbsp Butter

2 Eggs

1   1/2 Cups Milk

1 Tsp Mixed Essence

Maple Syrup for topping

Method:

Combine cinnamon, nutmeg, sugar and set aside. Melt butter in medium saucepan over low heat. Whisk together cinnamon mixture, eggs, milk and essence and pour into a shallow container. Dip bread into mixture and allow to soak on either side. Fry each side in melted butter over medium heat to prevent burning until golden brown. Drizzle with maple syrup and dig in…yummy!

Serves 3-4

 P.S  Will be sure to put some pics next time I make this!

 

Violence in Schools…will it ever cease?

I briefly read an article in the Trinidad Express about two  male students from the South East P.O.S School  having an altercation over which “clip” or gang each should be liming in, the result of which, was a brutal chopping of the form four student by his younger counterpart. The victim was dealt several chops about the head, neck and back and the perp escaped through City Gate.

When I saw the picture of this young man bleeding profusely, being helped by a female police officer to contain the gushing blood with his clothing, I felt sick to my stomach. The first thing I thought about was his poor family who sent their chile off to school good good and would now have to visit him in the hospital!  Now, I do not know what his family background is…I’m assuming the better!

Whether or not this chile  is an upstanding student or a trouble maker is not the issue. The broader issue in my view is the societal pressures that exists for these kids to feel that they need to belong somewhere and the measures that they would take to ensure that their “territory” is protected. I’m still baffled at what causes a child could wake up in the morning, dress and conceal a weapon in their clothing with the intention to do harm to others and for what? bragging rights? self defence? domination? Shouldn’t parents frequently check on their children to make sure that they are carrying to school only school books and  essentials and to question if they have in their  possession anything the parent knows doesn’t belong to the child? The truth is children mimic the environment they are reared in and you might think that a little “cuss word”  is okay to express, but that child will pick that up so fast and repeat it (it’s easier to pick up bad habits than good ones!) in school and will get in trouble with teachers.

Teachers are now being trained to deal with varying degrees of domestic issues and are semi-counsellors to these kids to try to help them cope with their aggression. Sadly many teachers have reached their breaking point and do not see “minding” other people’s children as part of their job description and allow the kids to do what they want, to dire consequences. A school in Central Trinidad (that I will leave anonymous) is reputed for having kids so unruly that they try to attack their teachers and since corporal punishment is abolished in schools…need I say more?

Some schools have “a” guidance counsellor who is stretched across the entire school population of say two thousand kids, which is highly inadequate. The security at some of these schools make you feel at though you are passing through immigration at the airport…scanners, rub down and all! but is a necessary measure to ensure the safety of the innocents.

We all know the saying “for every action, there is a reaction” so  I’m really sorry for the attacker because his victim will be out for vengeance. Some kids come from abusive homes no doubt,  many of them may have to support their family financially and see the clique or gang as  that means of support. Some kids it seems come from good homes, but do not get the necessary attention  from their parents and therefore seek the audience in school. I for one, do not feel safe as a parent trying to rear my kids with certain values and ethics, only to turn then over to the negative influences of these “gangs” nor would I want any school to have students like those of Columbine High.

Do we have any solutions? Well as people having been saying for years…parents should think hard before having kids, knowing the life long responsibility it entails, the need to spend quality time with them, communicate with them, be there, lend an ear to their problems, even if you can’t help with the homework!, get them involved in  extra curricular activities, whether it be vocational, educational, sporting and attend when they have matches, meetings or graduations! Go to PTA meetings, volunteer your services if you could spare the time. During vacation breaks, allow them to go to camps, if you can afford it so at least their time is well occupied. Make it your business to speak to their teachers on a regular basis, since there may be issues going on that need to be ironed out and nipped in the bud! Only then maybe, this nonsensical violence can ever  hope to cease.

Greetings!

I would just like to pen a few lines to introduce myself….

Greetings, this is wendymediumxl, I hope that you all with be able to appreciate my perspective on issues that may not necessarily be your viewpoint, but then again ,life would be very boring indeed if we all had the same opinions!

 I wouldn’t divulge anything about my physical appearance, as I treasure my anonymity however just know that I will speak my mind because this is my blog and I fully control it’s content. Those of you who know my true identity, leave it that way please. I hope to continuously update my page with some fodder for thought or kicks as this is totally my freedom of expression page.

ciao wendymediumxl